On Swearing and System Failures
by Roxie Archer
Summary: Suddenly Bakura's interested in technology. When did that happen? Ryou would be happy if he just quit swearing. ...Chapter 7 up: On Magical Legendary Snow Wars and the Meaning of Holiday Cheer!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi

Author's Notes: This is the first (and shortest) in a series of one-shots that will be posted one a week if all goes well. Taking into account the _polite_ review by "Eleventy Nine", I have tried respacing this one for easier reading.

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**On Swearing and System Failures **

"Ryou, this damn computer isn't working!"

Ryou sighed as he walked through the house. "Why do you feel the need to swear all the time?" he returned from the doorway. "I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but the word "damn" didn't even exist in ancient Egypt."

Bakura turned in his seat to face his light, a look of false serenity composing his features. "Pardon me. This _piece of camel shit_ doesn't work." His calm, straight face made Ryou frown exasperatedly. "And I wish you'd quit referring to it as 'ancient' Egypt." Bakura muttered under his breath as he turned back to the offending technology. "It makes me feel old."

Ryou sighed again, gently this time as he approached his dark. He didn't see why an Egyptian thief would want to learn how to use the computer anyway. Apparently it had all started some time ago when they had been visiting Yugi, just after the darks had gotten their own bodies, and Yami had casually flicked on a light, causing Bakura to become not only unnaturally jealous but also suddenly interested in the new world around him. Now he was even fixing Ryou breakfast – barely edible, but still breakfast. And Ryou wasn't sure weather it was a kind gesture on the other's part or merely an opportunity to gloat the next time they happened to be near Yami. Ryou feared it was the latter and so they hadn't been visiting in a while. He could just imagine how embarrassed he would be if Bakura got before Yami and had the sudden urge to brag about his new skills, demanding if the pharaoh could fix the toilet or vacuum the floor. It was almost like raising a child. A rude, loud mouthed, opinionated, stubborn child. Pulling himself away from his thoughts, Ryou looked over Bakura's shoulder to read the blinking monitor.

"_**Catastrophic System Failure!** Bakura, what did you do!" _

"_Nothing! I told you the damn thing wasn't working!"_

"_**Don't swear!"**_

"**I like swearing!" **

Another long day.

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Post Comments: Was it easier to read? I know it was short but positive reviews have become important as I have recieved several nasty e-mails dissing not only my formatting and me, but also everyone who previously left a positive review for my works. So if you liked the story, please leave a review. And, if you didn't like it, don't waste your time. I've never flamed anyone so please don't flame me.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi

Author's Notes: Chapter two exists thanks to reviews by "Ryou VeRua" and "Fire Coral" who asked for it. When I read their reviews I was like: 'Huh? But that was just a little blip.' but then I got this idea so - here you go. Enjoy!

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_On Combating 3-D Spiders and Yodeling Cows_

Film festivals in 3-D were…a bad idea. Ryou realized that now. Initially, Bakura had fallen asleep to the children's adventure that was the second movie so, stupidly, Ryou had thought it safe to stay for the next film, which was action fantasy; one of the famous Lord of the Rings movies. When Bakura was asleep he couldn't yell at the screen, complaining how lame the last effect had been, or threaten the other patrons whose children were a little too noisy. And Ryou made the mistake of relaxing and getting into the movie.

By the time the giant spider was chasing Frodo, Ryou was leaning forward in his seat, completely tuned out of his surroundings, which of course is the point of such a film. So when Bakura suddenly screamed next to him, somehow tripping over the back of his chair to land in a tangled heap with the people behind them who first shouted then started screaming themselves when a Man Eater Bug materialized over their heads to devour the rampaging spider, Ryou nearly had a heart attack and found himself screaming before the event had even registered. Needless to say, Bakura was banned from going to the theatre.

"I can't believe you summoned a Duel Monster in the middle of the theatre." Ryou had been ranting since they'd been swept out of the place with the stampede.

"When I fell asleep there was a frickin' dancing sheep on the screen. I kept having nightmares with yodeling cows! How was I supposed to know it was a movie!" Ryou was not impressed. _"Those stupid yodeling COWS are gonna haunt me for the rest of my LIFE!"_ Bakura shouted desperately.

"**Good!"** Ryou shouted back.

Bakura glared at the back of Ryou's head. He didn't know why exactly it bothered him when Ryou was angry with him, maybe it was because he deserved it, but whatever the reason, he wanted Ryou to be over it.

"Hey." Bakura said, catching Ryou's attention as he stopped at a storefront window. "You like that?"

Ryou looked from Bakura to the item in question; a small statue of a dragon curled around a large ruby in the window of a gothic jewelry store. Its eyes glittered with smaller jewel chips.

"Yea." Ryou answered, staring into the sparkling eyes.

"I'll steal it for you." Bakura offered, cocking his head slightly as he examined it in thought.

Ryou frowned. "Haven't you done enough for one day?" he asked, grabbing Bakura by the arm and pulling him away.

Bakura smiled to himself. He hadn't said no, after all.

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Post Comments: Current stats on ch.1: views - 100 exactly, reviews - 4 ... If you like this...PLEASE REVIEW! Plus: Thank you for reading!

Aaand, on a side note to Demon of Evilness who asked for more from Yu Yu Hakusho: I am trying.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi and Fullmetal Alchemist is the intellectual property of Arakawa Hiromu

Author's Notes: Hmm...A third chapter... This one is...not what you're expecting. Time to take a brake from the humor of the last two for a moment. I have no idea where this came from...

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_**On Parenting Class and Serious Issues**_

Ahh…remember parenting class? Good old parenting class, where they expected otherwise self-respecting students to carry around dolls that cried at all hours of the night in the interest of education. Domino High has parenting class too, you know. You're not alone. Students around the world have been forced to suffer just like you. Of course, you'll get no sympathy from me, as I too have had to suffer. But if it helps during the following therepy sessions, you can imagine Yugi, Jounouchi, and Otogi carrying those same screaming, tattle-on-your-teacher-if-they're-ignored dolls and smile, knowing they must have been far worse off than you. You can even laugh at them for dueling against arrogant, unimpressed CEOs, meeting street fight challenges, and appearing on national tv with the little papoose strapped to their backs. But no matter how much you're yelled at to shut up while rolling on the floor in hysteric laughter, never laugh at Ryou for it. For Ryou, we have nothing but sympathy. When teams were paired, boy-girl, boy-girl, boy-girl…Ryou was the odd one out. No, the class didn't just run out of girls, there was no one left. Ryou was all alone. Not only that, the very last doll had been given to the girl directly in front of him. The teacher of course could not understand the mix-up. She'd been certain she'd ordered the exact right amount of dolls, but alas, such was not the case.

"I'm sorry, Bakura- san. Would you like to join another group instead?" she asked him, slightly embarrassed for the error on her part.

Ryou smiled kindly and shook his head. "I wouldn't want to intrude. I can borrow a doll from my neighbor for the week if that's ok."

Ryou's grades, you see, were such that he could easily have passed the class without even doing the assignment, which made up a great portion of the grade. The teacher was so impressed with his calm, polite manor and high grades that she agreed, provided he wrote a report on his experiences. The report due the following Friday would then determine his grade.

Two days went by. For Yugi it was two days of constant "I see you brought your toys to cheer you on. What happened to all your so-called friends?" and "Where's the security blanket?" from a certain blue-eyed person who apparently was rich enough to buy his way out of certain classes. Jounouchi got laughed out of his own parking lot, his fights all but forgotten in the hysterics. And Otogi, well Otogi received thirteen marriage proposals, but in an unfortunate turn of events, CNN also made the mistake of declaring the doll an illegitimate child as their footage apparently was long range and the particular reporter at the time happened to be a charter member of his fan club. Of Ryou, they had heard nothing. Concerned for his friend, Yugi (along with Hikari – the project name for his doll) took the bus out to Ryou's house on Sunday night and knocked gently at the front door. Bakura answered. In his shock, Yugi simply stared at the spirit. Bakura was not known for interaction. He never answered the door that Yugi knew of and when he answered the phone, it was only to yell into the receiver that he was busy and the noise was annoying as hell. And then whoever happened to be unlucky enough to be on the other end of said device received the usual shadow threats and if he was having a particularly bad day, a string of colorful swear words followed.

"Yea? What da'ya want?" Bakura asked impatiently.

Yami appeared next to Yugi. "We came to visit Ryou, not you, so if you would kindly step aside…"

"Why I outta…" Bakura might have finished had Yami not side-stepped him and went ahead anyway. Yugi followed his dark. This was also a common occurrence. Bakura shut the door loudly behind them.

"Bakura." Ryou called from the kitchen. "Who was at the door?"

Bakura never needed to answer him however, as Ryou appeared in the doorway, a familiar figure in one arm and a mixing spoon in the other hand. Yugi's eyes widened as he observed the doll Ryou held more closely. It was horribly broken, yet Ryou held it with the utmost care. There were no clothes covering the toy but the most disturbing aspect of it was that Yugi recognized that particular doll. It was the doll that the Dark Necrophere carried.

"Ryou, what are you doing with that?" Yami asked, a cautious concern evident in his voice.

Ryou looked down lovingly at the figure, giving it a reassuring smile. "I borrowed it for the week." and he brought the doll to his chest as though it were a real child. "It doesn't have a gender so sometimes I call it a him and sometimes it's a her but he's a good baby. She doesn't cry much." Yugi's mouth had dropped slightly as he stared at his friend unbelievingly. "Would you like to hold her?" he asked of Yugi who somehow managed a "Huh?" Ryou smiled understandingly and handed the baby over to Bakura. "I have to finish the cooking or it'll burn." Bakura nodded and held the doll close while Ryou turned and headed back to the kitchen.

Yami turned on Bakura angrily. "What is that doll doing to him?" he demanded.

Bakura laughed. "The doll didn't do anything." he said shoving it into Yugi's arms to prove his point. Yugi took the thing hesitantly, still trying to sort out what was going on in this twilight zone. "Yadonishi wants to play house for a week," Bakura went on "so what?"

Yami narrowed his eyes at the thief. "You're encouraging this."

Bakura grinned back. "What's the matter, Pharaoh? Gotta blame me for somethin'? Ryou's happy with it. Isn't that what all his little "friends" are supposed to want?" He directed the last part at Yugi, who looked down slightly in shame.

"Dinner's ready." Ryou announced, appearing in the doorway, with his…slightly worrisome constant smile.

Although it wasn't necessary for either Yami or Bakura to eat unless they planned to keep their solidified forms for several hours, both sat to the table and ate with their hikaris; although most of Yami's time, as well as Yugi's, was spent staring at Ryou as he carefully fed the doll pretend food from a bowl on the table before eating his own dinner. Bakura ignored him, eating his own dinner in silence.

"Baby sleeps a lot." Ryou announced when he'd finished his dinner. "Yugi, if you like, I can put yours down for a nap with him while we play a board game."

"O…ok." Yugi nodded and Ryou took his doll, handing his own to Bakura who followed him from the room.

"Well be right back." Ryou called over his shoulder.

Yugi looked at Yami who only returned his own worried frown with a shake of his head and a shrug of his shoulders.

When Ryou and Bakura returned, the four played monopoly. It nearly became a shadow game when Yami and Bakura fought over Park Place but Ryou and Yugi managed to calm them down. By the end of the game an hour and a half later (I hope I don't have to tell you who won), it appeared to Yugi that Ryou had returned to normal. Yugi announced that he had to leave and Yami went upstairs to retrieve Hikari from Ryou's bedroom where the two dolls were "napping" on Ryou's bed. Yami opened the door and let himself in. A fat black cat was curled in the middle of the floor and Yami had to stop short when he nearly tripped over it. When had Ryou gotten a cat? The cat yawned and stretched, and peered up at Yami with glowing crimson eyes. Yami gasped. It was a Cat of Ill Omen, a shadow creature. Yami stepped around the cat on his way to the bed but the monster would not allow that. Hissing loudly it leapt at the intruder. Yami swung back, avoiding the strike and the White Fang from his deck materialized next to him barking at the cat ferociously. A large commotion erupted as the two duel monsters stood their ground. A Dark Cat with White Tail jumped down from a shelf and curled up with the dolls, watching the battle with interest. Ryou, Yugi, and Bakura appeared in the doorway just as White Fang took a leap at the dark cat.

"No!" Ryou shouted, shoving past the other two to save the duel monster, scooping it into his arms and cowering on the floor. The cat mewed and purred in his arms. "Please don't!" Ryou cried. "He can't fight your wolf. He was just protecting the babies."

Ryou was crying and Yami felt terrible. "Ryou, I'm terribly sorry." he said, kneeling next to the boy. "I didn't mean to…"

"Maybe you should go." Ryou whispered.

Yami didn't know what to do. Bakura handed Yugi his doll and shoved the little duelist out the door. "You heard him Pharaoh. Go home."

Yami stood, directing his anger at the other spirit. "Bakura! Duel Monsters are not pets!"

"They are if yadonishi wants them to be!" Bakura shouted back. "Look at him, genius! That cat's not the problem, you are! Not everyone on earth gets to grow up in a loving home or has their own cheerleading squad like some people I could mention. If Ryou wants to create his own play mates that's his business. Now get out of our house!"

Yami looked back to Ryou thoughtfully. "Ryou, I am truly sorry."

Ryou nodded and Yami left, ushering Yugi down the hall in front of him.

Ryou attended school the next day, oblivious to the stares and whispers directed his way. The Parenting teacher seemed so distraught over his constant care of the disgusting thing that she didn't bring up the subject to Ryou. At lunch, Ryou easily forgave Yami and he and Yugi enjoyed their lunch together with their friends. By sixth period, Yami had retrieved four bullies, two teachers, and a stray second grader from the shadow realm, sent there by Bakura for insulting his hikari's fixation on the shadow doll. And when school let out, Ryou, Bakura and the doll accompanied them to the arcade. Ryou insisted that his doll was happy when Anzu danced on the DDR game so she kindly humored him by challenging Jou to a game, and then stomping him flat at it. Afterwards, Ryou and Bakura went home and the scene repeated itself for the next four days.

On Friday when Ryou turned in his report the teacher seemed hesitant to accept it. Perhaps she was considering weather she should refer him to the school councilor before or after reading it. Eventually she decided on after and took the report with a smile. That night, Bakura summoned the Dark Necrophere and Ryou offered its doll to it. The Dark Necrophere looked down at him, holding its doll for a moment before gathering Ryou, doll and all, into its arms in a smothering embrace, petting his white fluffy hair like a favorite cat. Then it accepted the doll and bowed to Ryou, returning to the shadows from whence it had come.

"Bakura." Ryou said, lying in bed in the darkness at three am "I'm glad you're here."

Bakura looked down at his host from his perch in the window cell and studied the boy for a moment. Eventually his gaze returned to the world outside but he remained silent until Ryou fell asleep.

"That's…really sad." he whispered into the darkness when he knew there was no one to hear.

On Monday Ryou was his normal self again, though by now, Yugi and Yami were wondering just what Ryou's "normal self" actually was. He never brought the assignment up and they all silently agreed to never speak of it again. Aside from a few lingering tabloid reports; some uncovering the story of Otogi's secret love life and some telling stories of mysterious alien abductions from Domino High students and staff claiming Duel Monsters had devoured their brains, the incident was quickly forgotten and plowed over with duels and homework and life in general. And though you may find yourself worried for the state of poor innocent little Ryou's mental health, please keep in mind: this is the forbidden incident. Some things are simply best left alone. Forgotten. Never spoken of again. So his cats have glowing red eyes and he talks to people no one but he can see. That's not so bad is it? Who are we to judge? Now when he starts using Monster Reborn to resurrect the frogs in biology class…then we may have to give Ed and Al a call, or at the very least tell him that is a no-no, no matter how good his intentions were.

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Post Comments: Somewhere on the internet is a pic of Bakura and Ryou with some of their duel monsters around them and Ryou is holding the Dark Necrophere's doll. If for some reason you seriously want this pic, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.

You'll have to forgive me for all the lame comments. I'm a little worried for a friend right now and I can't seem to concentrate but I kinda designated Thursday as an update day so here it is.

If you like yaoi, please read and review for "While Isis Is Away". I really liked that one but it only got 1 review while 80 people clicked on it. sad.

Oh, and the two cats can be found in Dark Revelation 1, that's where I got mine.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi

Author's Notes: Another short chapter. They vary in length. The next is long if I can ever finish it. Yes, I have started another. I would like to thank everyone who reviewed. Sankyuu! _Somebody_ gave Ryou a pixy stick (pixy, pixie, pixy...). Look what you've done! Now I need a pixy stick! ...

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_**On Evil Christmas Trees and Senseless Sweets**_

Bakura was trying very hard to watch the late show, trying _desperately_, in fact. Not that he had any particular love for the late show but he was board – and Ryou was annoying the hell out of him! Ryou was sitting at his desk writing up a report for school beneath the light of this table-top lamp. It was twelve thirty and he tipped up another grape pixy stick, keeping his eyes on the report. The empty tube drifted down into the trash bin to be reunited with the last twelve of its kind. But that wasn't what bothered Bakura. What bothered Bakura was the constant incessant bouncing of Ryou's leg just out of the corner of his eye, right at the exact spot where his peripheral vision kicked in. It was driving him insane! He'd tried moving, so that Ryou was behind him but something in Bakura flared uneasily whenever anyone was behind him. It was an instinct from the past that he couldn't seem to get rid of. And when he'd tried telling Ryou to knock it off, Ryou had only told him to watch the tv downstairs if it bothered him.

Whoever had invented pointless sweets needed to be shot. _That_ was what was wrong with society today – pointless sweets. All the sweets that children consumed turned them into hyper little monsters like the screaming, tantrum-throwing kids in grocery stores that Ryou wouldn't let him send to the Shadow Realm where they belonged. The sweets made them all hyper and then the rich evil doctors drugged them up until they flatlined in school and the teachers no longer had to worry about actually teaching the zoned-out drooling masses who could no longer think without a prescription and it was all the fault of whoever had invented casual sweets! Whoever it was needed to be shot, along with the doctors who went to school to learn how to write prescriptions and the parents who quit raising their kids and the kids who didn't have the sense to raise themselves! A lot of people needed to be shot. That stupid cat was right! He was right about the freaky clowns and he was right about the Christmas trees like the one that had tried to eat him last year. Ryou may not have believed him but that tree fell on him on its own! _And it was all the sweets' fault!_ It was because Ryou had eaten all of the candy canes from one side of it and the tree was mad! AND IT HAD ATTACKED HIM! Ryou was constantly eating sweets; pocky, and pixy sticks and candy canes and Hershey's kisses.

"_The tree should have attacked you!"_ Bakura screamed suddenly, turning to point a shaking finger at Ryou who stared back dumbfounded.

Ryou blinked for a moment in the uneasy silence that followed. "Bakura," he said finally "have you been eating the coffee beans again?"

"_No!" _Bakura yelled indignantly.

"Because you know I told you after the last time that they weren't like the beans in the soup." Ryou went on.

Bakura stared back open mouthed. "I'm going downstairs." he said finally, standing calmly and shutting off the infomercial that had at some point replaced the late show.

"O…k…" Ryou said, watching him go and shook his head, opening another pixy stick. Bakura really needed to have less caffeine. It was making him jittery.

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Post Comments: Before I forget, "That stupid cat" was Garfield, who said that whoever invented the Christmas tree needed to be drug out in the street and shot. (If I recall correctly - about the Christmas tree, because I remember the drug out in the street and shot part - I don't have the video with me right now.) Garfield is the intellectual property of Jim Davis.

That said, Review! Review, review, review! Imagine Ryou asking with his adorable large kitten eyes and Bakura... wait, Bakura, don't do that! Stop! ... Sorry.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi

Author's Notes: First, I have to say that this chapter...is _long_ - compared to the others, 8 pages on paper and there is some swearing. I originally put stars in there (yes, I drew pretty little stars on the paper) but the site got rid of them all so I had to go back and fill in the rest of the word. Should you spot any other anomolies, blame them on this site as well.

WARNING: This author will not be held responsible if this fic should cause the reader any annoyance or loss of concentration due to songs becomming lodged in said reader's brain.

A special note to Ryou VeRua: THANK YOU! You have been such a loyal reviewer of this fic. With people like you out there how can one little ass bother me? Fear not!When children (who's parents obviously haven't raised them, nor have they raised themselves) throw tantrums I generally ignore them, and I certainly wouldn't allow said tantrums to interfere in my art.

I would also like to thank T.Lei and everyone else who reviewd. You keep me inspired and therefore, keep this string of blips going.

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_**On Songs That Do Not End and Unfortunate Perverts**_

_Ring Ring_

Oh shit, the phone was ringing. Bakura hated the telephone. It was right up there with the hair dryer and the toaster on his list of hated appliances, not like the refrigerator and the tv, the telephone only existed to annoy you to death or to pass along bad news in an "emergency".

_Ring Ring Ring Ring_

Maybe whoever it was would get the hint and go away. Ryou wasn't home. Whoever it was wanted Ryou anyway and Ryou was out visiting the Pharaoh and his midget hikari.

_Ring Ring Ring_

The last time he had sent a telephone to the shadow realm, Ryou had told him he could fix his own dinner for a week – which of course he couldn't (Ryou owned him, really) and he had been forced to live off corn chips and cereal. To this day he couldn't look at a corn chip without getting sick.

_Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring_

Finally Bakura snatched the phone off the receiver and yelled into it, holding the mouth piece in front of his face.

"**Ryou is not here!** **How many times does the fucking phone have to ring before you get that through your thick skull!"** Bakura grinned a sickeningly malevolent grin as he put the phone to his ear hoping to hear the terrified stuttering of whoever was on the other end. "Or perhaps you phoned this particular residence hoping to have your pathetic soul devoured by the shadows at your feet? Is there any particular way you would like to die?"

"Bakura." Bakura blinked, the smile leaving his face instantly as Ryou's exasperated, unimpressed tone came over the receiver. "Is this how you answer all of the phone calls when I'm not at home?"

"Uhh…"

"Yes. Bakura, I know perfectly well that I am not at home. That would be why I called you."

"W…why did you do that, again?"

Ryou sighed slightly on the other end of the phone. "Yugi's grandfather had an emergency and had to leave to be with a friend. I told him that I could get a ride home but when I called Malik his phone was busy. Could you please walk to his house and ask if he can give me a ride?"

Bakura frowned. "Let me guess. He heard about the "emergency" from the telephone."

"…Yea." Ryou answered hesitantly. "Why?"

"Can't you just take the underground train instead?" Bakura asked, ignoring Ryou's question.

Ryou sighed again. "No. My subway pass ran out and I left my money at home. I thought I wouldn't need it."

"Well I'll come and get you."

"No!" Ryou panicked. He knew Bakura hated asking favors of anyone – even the Ishtars – but he hadn't thought his yami would make a big deal of this. Ryou didn't even want to think of the havoc Bakura could wreak between their house and the game shop – and that was assuming he didn't get lost. He should have called Honda. "No. Don't do that." Ryou said into the phone, praying his yami would reconsider. "I'll just call Honda. It's ok."

"I said I'll pick you up." Bakura repeated firmly. "It's not like you're a hundred miles away. Just stay put."

"No, really." Ryou pleaded. "Bakura?"

"Which direction is the Pharaoh's store, again?"

Ryou started to cry.

"Nevermind. I'll find it." And Bakura hung up the phone.

Bakura had been to the Kame Game Shop plenty of times. He'd just never gone on his own before. His "social life" had gone downhill since he'd gotten his own body – especially where the Pharaoh was concerned. Ryou had warned him that becoming a recluse could be psychologically damaging – then he'd caught himself and apologized. That was the last Bakura had heard of the subject. Bakura pulled on his short, black leather jacket and headed out the door, making doubly certain that it was locked behind him – wouldn't want thieves stealing his stolen goods after all. If he remembered right, he could take the underground subway thing to within a few blocks of the Game Shop and walk from there. Simple.

Bakura shoved his hands into his coat pockets. People stared as he walked by. Usually the attention didn't bother him – he was worth staring at, right? But after a while it just became like: Oh get a life!

As Bakura rounded the corner, a mother and her son were crossing the street, holding hands, and fell into step behind him. Bakura could _feel_ the kid staring at him. Any second now he would ask "Mommy, why does that boy have white hair?" or "Mommy, what's that stuck in his pants?" if he was attentive enough to see the line of his dagger through the back of his jeans. Instead, when the child opened his mouth, the results were far, _far_ worse.

"THIS IS THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END!"

Bakura visibly bristled. He almost stopped in terror but he managed to keep walking.

"YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIEND!" the child behind him belted out.

Bakura had heard that song just _once _before and it had been stuck in his head for a week after that. He had been hungry and channel surfing and he'd thought it was a cooking show. By the time he'd realized the hand puppets weren't going to cook themselves – it was too late!

"SOME PEOPLE STARTED SINGING IT NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS. AND THEY'LL CONTINUE SINGING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE…THIS IS THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END!"

Bakura whimpered and covered his ears tightly but he couldn't keep out the words as they tumbled around in his head. 'Yes it goes on and on my friend!' Bakura broke into a full out run and didn't stop until he reached the subway entrance.

Bakura tried to force the dull murmur of the waiting crowd past his abused ears and into his brain. That song was damaging. It could drive otherwise sane individuals to the loony bin (and before you all raise your eyebrow in that 'you-would-know' look, keep in mind that he's about to have a really bad day).

Bakura wasn't in the mood for dealing with people today, so rather than run the risk of being caught on the train without a card, he decided to steal one. He assumed that this subway was like the trains on tv and a conductor would walk around making sure that everyone had a card.

Bakura looked around, sizing up the targets. Children who had been allowed to hold the cards often held them in plain sight but they also held on tightly and would scream if the item should turn up missing. Ultimately, he was looking for someone who wouldn't miss it.

His eyes fell on a busty woman nearby, rooting through her large cloth purse. Bakura wrinkled his nose in disgust. He had never understood the concept of enlarging one's body parts, female or male, which was obviously what this woman had done. Making the best of what you had was the art form, in Bakura's opinion. Apparently, such views were long outdated in this day and age. These days, you didn't even have to remain the same gender, if you didn't want to. Bakura kinda wished Ryou'd been born a little earlier, maybe a couple hundred years. Of course, then he would have been criticized for being girly – which was apparently a normal condition nowa days. Bakura decided on the woman and moved to take his card before the train arrived.

As it turned out, he ended up waiting for the train and by the time it got there he had figured out how to get where he needed to go; actually, he had politely asked someone and they had told him. Ryou would have been proud.

Bakura didn't feel like sitting so he allowed the seats to go and took a spot near the door, standing in front of one of the windows. As the train began to move Bakura realized something. He absolutely hated the subway. It had filled up so quickly and now the people behind him were only a foot away. Where were all these people going? And then they started talking – over the sound of the train – and there was noise and bad breath smell and Bakura felt sick. He leaned against the window, his fingers tapping against the glass – or not-glass – absently in rhythm. After a while he started to notice his fingers and he stared at them with the distant thought that he knew that rhythm from somewhere. tap tap tap tap tap 'Yes it goes on and on my friend…' With a look of horror, Bakura yanked his hand away from the glass. 'Some people started singing it not knowing what it was…' Bakura growled and covered his ears, shaking his head.

"You look stressed."

Bakura blinked. He thought maybe he'd heard something and uncovered his ears curiously.

"Bet I can help with that."

Bakura's eyes flew open in shock as a hand cupped his ass from behind. The hand gave a little squeeze and Bakura nearly choked. Even his brain was sputtering, unable to offer him any coherent thought. This wasn't… was _not_… did not just happen. He was **Bakura**, not some meek little mortal. He was the thief king, the S_oul Stealer_. Who would dare! The hand moved a little and Bakura's eyes narrowed, his mind snapping to clarity.

"You know," he growled, a low rumbling so that only the man could hear "where I come from, the penalty for touching a king is death." The hand hesitantly removed itself, though its owner remained near. "And for taking what doesn't belong to you, you could lose a hand." Bakura turned slowly to face the stranger, sliding the dagger from his jeans easily. The man, around forty, who obviously had never chosen his target so poorly, stared at the blade with surprised, frightened eyes. Bakura allowed a grin to spread slowly across his face as he obliged the man's fear by snaking his tongue along the shinning blade. "Then again I never was much of one to follow the stereotype." Energy crackled around the sennen Ring, shooting out in dark tendrils of shadow energy. Lights shattered, windows cracked, and people screamed as the train was plunged into darkness.

As the subway slid tiredly into its station and Bakura stepped onto the platform, he vowed he would never take that confounded contraption again. Bakura took advantage of the light in the train station to examine his clothes as crowds of people hurried past him in a rush to get as far away from the scene as possible. His jeans and the tail of his shirt were splattered with blood. Bakura wrinkled his nose. "Oh shit."

Every time he came home with blood on his clothes Ryou would ask the same three questions: Are you ok, to which the answer was always yes (If the answer was no he simply didn't answer.); Why did you do it? (which was his least favorite); and Are you sorry? (which always came later in the night and never meant 'are you sorry for what you did', but 'are you sorry you have to be here' to which the answer was always no – regardless). Once, Bakura had thought to wash his clothes in the fountain in the park at night in an effort to escape the questions. Apparently the patrol officer in the park had had a problem with that. Bakura had found that sending police officers to the shadow realm was a greater offence than fighting in Ryou's eyes so he had just resigned himself to his fate in receiving the questions that came with the blood stains. He had also discovered, around that time, that tv news reporters were his enemy. And he was convinced to this day that Ryou had some sort of secret link with them that enabled him to know exactly when Bakrua was lying to him or when he'd done something "wrong". At least his jacket had managed to stay clean. He had an idea that it was expensive, he wouldn't know, but Ryou liked to wear it sometimes.

"Isn't it a bit early for the news?" Yami asked, sitting next to Ryou on the couch.

Ryou flicked off the tv. "Yea."

Yami frowned. "Let me guess. You're waiting for the disaster report on whatever Bakura did getting here."

Ryou nodded. "I told him not to come but you know Bakura, when his mind's made up there's no changing it."

"Yes well, for your sake, I hope it's not anything too dramatic."

Bakura walked for some distance before he noticed a familiar building. It was the Black Clown Game Shop, across the street. Gritting his teeth, Bakura spun on his heels and started going the other way. Not. A. Word.

A half an hour later he arrived at the Kame Game Shop and went around back, pounding on the door. Of course, the Pharaoh answered.

"Oh? I see you found your way here alright."

"Outta my way." Bakura ordered, shoving his way inside. "Ryou!" he bellowed.

Ryou appeared in the living room entryway and his bright eyes dimmed as he noticed the blood stains. "Are you ok?" he asked with concern, taking a step forward.

"I'm fine." Bakura snapped. "Pharaoh, I'm using your phone." And he yanked said devise off its wall-mounted base and punched in the only number he'd memorized on his own. Yami raised an eyebrow and Yugi appeared in the entryway behind Ryou. "Malik!" Bakura barked into the receiver after a moment. "... Yes it's Bakura! … No! Why the fuck would I call you! You can't fucking drive! Put Malik on! … Do it or I'll steal back that fucking Rod and hand it over to the priest!"

Obviously he was having a bad day.

"Why did you do it?" Ryou whispered, fingering the blood stains at the hem of Bakura's shirt.

Bakura swatted the hands away distractedly. "Because I am still the King of Thieves and no one crosses me! People like that only exist to prey on people like you anyway. You should thank me."

Yami frowned. "Bakura, what did you do?" he asked with all authority.

"Some animal touched my ass on the subway. I just saved him a vet bill, that's all."

Yugi winced.

"Yea, that's right." Bakura said into the phone which was apparently occupied once again. "… Shut up! Just get your ass over here and drive us home!" There was a pause as Malik spoke on the other end and Bakura growled in return, slamming the phone back on the hook.

"I'll wash it for you." Ryou said and Bakura stared at him in the silence that followed.

"Hey Ryou," Yugi said, standing next to the other light "why don't we go and watch the movie until he gets here."

Ryou nodded and followed Yugi into the living room. Yami and Bakura trailed after them as Yugi restarted whatever movie they'd been watching before Bakura arrived. The two yamis watched the movie start with some guy droning on about the end of the world while dolphins were doing tricks at Sea World or some such place. Then all of a sudden, a song started and Bakura stared dumbly at the scene, blinking as the ridiculously insane tune burned itself into his brain.

"_So long and thanks for all the fish…"_

Bakura screamed, drawing the attention of everyone else present as he covered his head with his arms and dropped to his knees in some sort of private agony.

"_So long and thanks for all the fish…"_

Bakura clutched at Yami's form-fitting black shirt desperately. "Mind crush me!" he begged and Yami raised an eyebrow at him as a grin spread across his lips.

"Don't tempt me." he said eventually, prying Bakura off of him to cry on the floor while Yugi and Ryou stared.

"Hey Bakura." Ryou said, lying in the dark in bed that night.

"Mmm?" Bakura asked from his spot in the window at the foot of Ryou's bed.

"Are you sorry?"

There was silence for a moment as Bakura stared into the night.

"No." he answered finally.

More silence.

"Goodnight, Bakura."

…

"Goodnight Ryou … and thanks for all the fish."

Ryou giggled and Bakura grinned his way.

"You do realize of course, that whoever wrote that stupid song is going to be vacationing in the shadow realm just as soon as I figure out who's responsible." Bakura joked and Ryou calmed down with a small sigh.

"Well, if you do that I'll just have to start singing the 'song that never ends' until ya bring 'em back." Ryou threatened good naturedly.

"I hate you." Bakura responded through his grin.

"I know." Ryou answered through his.

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Post Comments: The songs torturing Bakura (and me and hopefully you, now) in this fic are from Lambchop and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, respectively. These are two of the most annoying songs on the face of the earth. If you know any songs more annoying ... please don't share. If you have never seen Lambchop, it was a childrens show (right along with Barney and Sesame Street) starring Sherri Lewis and her puppet Lambchop, who was a lamb. And Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a movie rated PG (I believe) and was a "stupid comedy" that I found to be ... stupid. So I guess it was a success.

As always, if you like a fic (any fic, not just mine) please review.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi

Author's Comments: _Happy Halloween! _...What do you mean it's not Halloween anymore? You have imaginations. Pretend, people! Pretend!

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On Evil Singing Store Displays and Fluffy White Revenge

Ryou had discovered some time ago that leaving Bakura at home alone was a 50/50 gamble; either he lounged around doing nothing or he broke something. So on Monday evening when he had to go shopping, Ryou took Bakura along with him. This had become a routine, every week they went shopping. Bakura hardly complained anymore. It was the beginning of another holiday season and the Halloween displays had already gone up across town.

Ryou wanted pumpkins and pumpkin filling for pie and maybe another fog machine. Bakura had overused the last one over the year and it had died. Yami had killed it. Ryou hadn't been there, but he'd heard that Bakura had snuck into Yami's bedroom and used it to convince the other that he was having a nightmare about his High Priest dethroning him and using Egypt as a testing ground for his latest self-promotion campaign. Bakura had pulled a t-shirt with Seto's face on it over Yami's head declaring that everyone in Egypt now had to wear one and his screaming had woken up Sugorouko and Yugi who had had to physically hold Yami back when he realized that it had been a trick and tried to send Bakura to the shadow realm, or at least beat the crap out of him. Bakura had been rather pleased with himself. The police had even gone out to the Game Shop when Yami had set the shirt on fire in the front yard and accidentally singed the grass.

That had been last week. Ryou was surprised that the fog machine had lasted that long, considering all that Bakura had done with it.

"Ryou are we out of steak?"

"Hmm? Yea, I think so." Ryou answered shaking his head to clear it as they passed through the sliding glass doors of Wal-Mart.

Bakura remained suspiciously quiet. They would be getting more steak tonight. Ryou wasn't overly fond of steak, mainly because it was expensive, but when Bakura got it into his head that he wanted steak it was hard to tell him no. Bakura was stubborn. The first time Ryou had told him "no, they would not be buying steak" Bakura had calmly replied "Ryou, you can buy it, or I can steal it.". Ryou had bought the steak but just the same it sometimes appeared in the refrigerator even when he didn't.

Another reason Ryou disliked steak was that it was a hassle to prepare. Every time they ate steak for dinner they would argue over how done it absolutely _had_ to be and to cook it fully (and have Bakura eat it without complaining – yes, he ate it either way, Bakura never wasted food) it had to be perfectly seasoned which required Ryou's full attention. Despite the fact that his food may have tasted like it, Ryou had no aspirations to becoming a chef.

The one time Ryou had not prepared steak after buying it, he had found Bakura using the grill outside to house a bonfire over which he was dangling the steak like a marshmallow. Ryou wondered if Yugi ever had these problems. He doubted it.

The carts had not been taken care of yet, so Ryou stopped to take one from the entryway. Bakura waited patently, probably anticipating tonight's dinner and plotting a back-up plan to be executed should Ryou say no to the steak or run out of money.

A teenager and her three kids filed past him and Bakura backed up a step, scrunching his nose at the little brats, mother included, as she was explaining to one of them just why she was dropping them off at daddy's house that evening. Bakura was not fond of children. For that matter, he was not fond of parents who had that many kids and then told them that they were annoying and dumped them off on someone else. Bakura was surprisingly opinionated about modern society. Unfortunately, he often shared those opinions with Ryou at night when he was bored. Ryou would then calmly tell his yami that he was a hypocrite (in soothing, understanding words if he was in a benevolent mood) and if the complaining continued he would tell Bakura that he sounded like Yami which would cause a massive explosion and end the conversation immediately.

Bakura backed up another step to allow the entourage room to pass. It was at that second that Ryou happened to look over at his yami, seeing the entire horrific incident as it unfolded. Bakura had been standing in front of a Halloween display, a skeleton pirate standing against the wall, and when he backed up it was activated. Music started playing and a plastic skeleton hand moved, jabbing Bakura in the back, startling the thief. Bakura's reaction was instant. He turned around and decked the thing. Bakura yelped at the sudden noise and movement, spun on his heel and delivered a solid right hook across the poor thing's jaw. The display wobbled mid-dance, music slowing as its broken jaw swung awkwardly. Several people turned to stare at the scene in shock and Ryou blushed a deep red in embarrassment. Bakura blinked confusedly at the display wondering what had just happened. After a moment, Ryou gathered himself enough to grab Bakura and haul him inside the store, away from the eyes of the people watching them warily.

Bakura pulled free of him and followed behind, brooding. As they passed by the claw machine, a little girl was pressing her hands to the glass and making whimpering noises. The claw had stopped with her prize, an orange teddy bear, over the chute and refused to let it go. Her mother was consoling her and trying to steer her away, explaining that sometimes these things happened. Bakura slammed a fist on the side of the machine and the bear fell into the chute. The little girl squealed with delight, hopping up and down but Bakura ignored her, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he grumbled to himself.

"_Bakura!_" Ryou hissed, under his breath when they were standing inside the doors. "_Don't hit the displays!_" He could not believe Bakura had done that.

"It hit me first!" Bakura returned in his defense.

Ryou ignored Bakura, steering the cart toward the deli counter. He just prayed the rest of the trip would go by quickly. The only good thing that could possibly come of this would be that Bakura would likely forget about the steak.

Ryou ordered a pound of turkey, a half pound of swiss, and a fourth a pound of roast beef. The roast beef wasn't for dinner. The roast beef was for Bakura, to keep him quiet as they walked through the store. Ryou handed Bakura his snack and put the rest in the cart, moving on to the doughnuts.

Ryou loved doughnuts, especially pumpkin doughnuts when they were in season. He took a dozen and set them in the cart.

"I want a doughnut. …For later." Bakura said when Ryou gave him a strange look.

Bakura didn't often ask for sweets. Sometimes he ate Ryou's sweets but usually he didn't ask.

"Ok." Ryou said, taking another piece of wax paper to wrap it in. "What kind?"

Bakura pointed to a chocolate doughnut with chocolate frosting. "That one."

Ryou bagged the doughnut and they proceeded down isle one.

Isle one housed the cappuccino mix they were out of. Ryou bought English Toffee mix and made it at home. Bakura never drank it, preferring black coffee when he drank the stuff at all, but every time Malik came by he and Ryou would drink together while they talked. For Malik, Ryou always stirred the drink with a cinnamon stick. When Bakura was around he would make fun of it, saying they looked like two housewife socialites and Malik would tell him off with large words that Bakura couldn't understand, laced with just enough dirty language that the point came across to anger the thief, all delivered in a horribly fake English accent that made Ryou laugh. Ryou enjoyed Malik's company. He wished Yugi would stop by more often. But then he guessed that sometimes he made Yugi nervous, or maybe it was just Bakura.

Ryou stole a glance at the former spirit and was immediately sorry that he had because apparently Bakura had gotten tired of using the meat as a snack and was now digging into the bread to make himself a sandwich. Wasn't there _anyone_ on security duty?

Isle two was where Ryou picked up canned green beans and where Bakura decided that the sandwich he'd constructed in isle one was a little dry. Ryou hoped that people checked their seals before they bought their bottled foods.

By isle four, Ryou noticed a large steak in the bottom of the cart. He knew better than to argue.

Isle five was Halloween candy and Ryou grabbed a bag of candy corn for the candy dish at home; something for his friends to munch on, should they stop by.

Ryou stopped at the end of the isle and thought for a moment. He couldn't think of anything else they needed. He turned to head toward the checkouts.

"You're forgetting your strawberry things." Bakura said and Ryou stopped as he remembered that he was out of bagels but still had cream cheese. Why didn't they ever run out together? It was like potato chips and dip. They never ran out together either.

Ryou turned around to head back to the refrigerated section.

When they finally reached the checkout, Ryou chose the line near the Duel Monsters cards so he could chose a pack. There was already another boy there looking at the cards and Ryou reached around him for a Shadow of Infinity pack. He knew his chances were slim to none, but for even a _chance_ at those Demon Gods, he'd be buying this pack for some time.

As Ryou was silently praying over his cards, Bakura watched the little fool in front of them trying to steel the cards from another pack. Bakura growled and finally snatched them away from the kid.

"Look," he snapped, crimson-brown eyes narrowing, "if you're gonna steal something, do it right. Punks like you are a disgrace to respectable thieves who actually know what they're doing."

The kid looked up at Bakura in shock and fear until finally he scrambled away before Bakura could kick his ass the way the look in his eyes said he wanted to. Ryou sighed and returned his attention to the line.

It was cold when they got home and Bakura was complaining. Ra's children were strong, hardened, and proud but they were not immune to the cold. Bakura hid from the snow like a child hides from monsters under the bed. All winter he would be irritable and grouchy and Ryou was not looking forward to it. He was glad he had another month or two yet before he had to deal with it. For now, Bakura could be won with hot chocolate and a heavy sweater. Normally Bakura hated chocolate and sweaters but for some reason when it was cold he never complained about having them.

Ryou sat at the table with Bakura while they sipped their drinks. Sitting at the table with Bakura when he was wearing a sweater and holding a mug of hot chocolate was probably Ryou's favorite thing to do in the world. It was strange to see Bakura, the Great Thief King, that way; modern and domestic, looking like he actually belonged in this world. It was surreal, like having lunch with a fairy tale creature or riding an elephant to school.

While Ryou was pondering this, Bakura got out his new cards and started going over them. A few he tucked away for later, but most of them he slid across the table at Ryou. Bakura never kept the cards he wasn't interested in. This reminded Ryou of his own pack of cards (bought and paid for…unlike _someone's_) and he took them out to see if he'd gotten anything. His rare was Goddess of Extermination – Ruin, a super rare. It wasn't a Demon God, but Ryou particularly liked it. He developed an instant fondness for that card. Maybe he could get Bakura to summon it in his next Shadow Duel against Yami. And it wasn't just alluring; it really was a good card too. Ryou loved it.

Bakura looked up, probably distracted by the sparkles dancing around his hikari's head, and leaned over the table to get a peek at Ryou's cards. He got a good look and frowned, retreating to his own seat with a thump. (_He's jealous._) Ryou smiled to himself.

Ryou made the steak for dinner and afterward retreated to his room to finish his homework while Bakura watched tv. The tv seldom kept Bakura entertained for long. Bakura was the type to rather _do_ something than watch others do it but he was content from the dinner and had deemed it too cold at 42 degrees to go outside so he settled down on the couch and started channel surfing.

At midnight, Bakura turned off the television and went upstairs. Ryou's room was on the left of the stairwell, Bakura's on the right. Ryou's light was off and Bakura knew that the other was asleep. The house was silent and dark, save for the moonlight flooding the carpet below the window at the end of the hall. Bakura turned the knob of Ryou's door, letting himself into the room.

Ryou's room was well-lit by the silver light that shone through the teen's parted curtains. Ryou was curled up under his comforter. The cats were on the bed with him. They always slept with Ryou, the Cat of Ill Omen at his feet and the Dark Cat with White Tail curled against his side. To Bakura, they were nuisances, tools born of the shadows for their master's purpose but it was not with malice that he thought these things. Bakura understood that to Ryou they were a comfort and as such, that became their purpose so Bakura did not object to their presence. The Dark Cat with White Tail raised its head, watching Bakura watch his master sleep. After a moment, Bakura turned and left, closing the door quietly behind him.

Bakura entered into his own room, right next to Ryou's on the right, and turned the light on inside, closing the door behind him. Bakura's room had once been one of two guest rooms; it was slightly smaller than Ryou's and not small enough in Bakura's opinion. To compensate, the room was a mess. If one would ask Bakura why he never cleaned his room he might reply that it seemed cozier that way, more lived in, more full. If one would ask Ryou, he would say that Bakura was lazy.

Bakura stepped over the objects in his way, walking on the clothes, and arrived at the bed. Snatching the pair of black silk boxers he found tossed into a heap there and quickly changed his clothes for bed, flinging his shirt in the general direction of a half buried clothes hamper across the room and leaving the pants on the floor where they'd fallen.

Originally, Ryou had insisted that Bakura help with the laundry but that was before… the incident. After the incident, Ryou had simply installed the hamper and chosen a day to do the laundry for him. The incident was never spoken of again.

Bakura climbed under the covers and shivered. It just wasn't fair that you had to warm the blankets up before they could warm you up. He had heard once of something called "an electric blanket" that could warm itself up, but when he'd asked Ryou about it Ryou had laughed hysterically and said that the day he could open his window and catch a flying pig was when he could have one of those blankets. Bakura was pretty certain that pigs still could not fly. He frowned at the memory.

At some point Bakura had fallen asleep, curled in on himself to fight the cold that didn't really exist. Perhaps the temperature had fallen slightly outside but only someone with cold-paranoia could claim that they felt that in the house. He looked rather like his light in that position, like a child, and only the faint evil grin tugging at his lips betrayed the image.

Bakura was dreaming of Yami.

The former Pharaoh was on his knees before the Great Bakura, who stood over him laughing at the image of his victory. Yami, his body adorned with golden bangles and framed in tight leather pants (for it is a common element of dreams to combine such things) raised his hands to his better, admitting defeat. "You have finally beaten me, Bakura. I admit my defeat. You have won all seven of the items, you have ultimate power now and I could never stand against you."

Ryou appeared, dressed in white and holding a red cushion, atop which was a large, regal crown. Ryou bowed before Bakura, who accepted the crown with an evil laugh. Suddenly he was dressed in black, a long dark cape billowing out around him as he sat on a large throne. Seto Kaiba and Yami bowed before him, now wearing the clothes of peasants and offered him a drink and food on a silver tray. In his hand he held a golden chain and at the end of it was the dragon Osiris, collared and restrained. Malik and Marik approached his throne to deliver a report, led to him by Ryou who was now dressed in silver bracelets and fine silk. Mokuba entered the room dragging a case with the letters B.C emblazoned on it in red.

In his bed, Bakura rolled onto his back, chuckling in the dark. A pair of eyes widened slightly at this, an amused grin spreading across a shadowed face.

In his dream, Ryou's cats jumped down onto the arms of his throne. They rubbed against him, nuzzling his arms and face. But something was wrong. They smelled strange. Something tugged at Bakura's consciousness as he tried to place that smell that should not be there. It smelled like … roses and flowers. _Roses and flowers?_ Bakura turned to look at one of the cats only to find that it was now pink. And the other cat was pink too. Bakura panicked.

In his bed, Bakura's smile vanished, replaced by a disturbed frown.

Seto's hair was pink too, and Ryou's and his throne and his clothes. _Everything_ was pink! And flower petals had started to fall from the ceiling. They were covering the floor and the sun was shining. Malik was wearing a dress! Marik was playing the piano. And there were bunnies, bunnies everywhere. Ryou was petting them and squealing and Yami picked one up, holding up to Bakura's nose.

Bakura's eyes flew open, heart racing, panting in terror, only to find the bunny was sitting on his chest, staring back at him, wiggling its nose at him. A CUTE LITTLE FLUFFY WHITE BUNNY! _STARING RIGHT AT HIM!_

Bakura screamed.

Ryou bolted up at the sound of screaming coming from the next room. He wasted no time, scrambling out of bed, tripping on his way to the door and stumbling to Bakura's room. Ryou threw the door open, slapping the light switch on the wall.

The first thing Ryou noticed were the bunnies. There were fluffy white bunnies everywhere but mostly they were in Bakura's bed.

The second thing Ryou noticed was that the room had the overwhelming smell of roses, like someone had dumped a bottle of rose-scented perfume on the carpet.

And the third thing he noticed was Yami, standing at the foot of Bakura's bed, laughing his head off. Bakura probably hadn't noticed him yet as he was still screaming in horror. A terrified bunny was sitting on his chest paralyzed with fear at the noise.

Ryou giggled, he couldn't help it; he broke out into laughter at the sight as Bakura screamed on his bed. Eventually the screaming stopped and Ryou went to Bakura's bed to retrieve the bunny as Bakura huffed and gasped for air.

Bakura watched Ryou collect the animal and that was when he noticed Yami, still trying to get over his laughter at the foot of his bed.

Ryou casually stepped out of the way as the situation began to sink in and Bakura turned murderous eyes on the former pharaoh.

"Got'cha." Yami declared simply when he'd caught his breath and then he slowly backed himself toward the door and waved goodbye as he disappeared into the hallway.

Bakura leaped after him, disturbing the bunnies on the bed, and promptly tripped over a game system that he'd left in the middle of the floor, sending him sprawling across the rose-smelling carpet.

Yami returned to the doorway, holding up a camcorder and waving it tantalizingly in front of him. "Happy Halloween, Bakura." he said with a grin before leaving with a satisfied smirk.

Bakura screamed out in rage from his position on the floor.

"You f...ing #&$()! When I get ahold of you I'm gonna #$&$$&$#!

And Bakura scrambled to his feet, chasing down the hallway after Yami.

Ryou sighed as he heard the crash of his other tripping down the staircase in his haste. "And where are _you_ going to sleep tonight?" Ryou asked the bunny, holding it up to look at. The bunny twitched its nose and flicked its ear in reply.

Bakura never did catch Yami. The next day, Ryou returned the bunnies and argued the tape off Yami. It wasn't fair after all – Bakura didn't have a tape of Yami screaming like a girl with a Seto t-shirt on. Ryou let Bakura destroy the tape with a smile. He'd tucked away a copy of it for later.

And the roses smell never did wash out of the carpet – which severely pissed Bakura off as it was the first time he'd taken the effort to clean his room and it had all been in vain. No, the smell had to wear out. After about two days Bakura became desperate and started burning incense but the result was always the same: dragon's blood and roses, black magic and roses, desert sands and roses… One night he simply abandoned the room entirely for the couch in the living room and it was two months before he went back.

Ryou hosted a party for Halloween. Yami came as a vampire.

Bakura set his cape on fire.

Ryou had lost track of the score. But he thought maybe Bakura was ahead.

At the end of the day, Bakura, slumped into the kitchen chair, the beads in his hair clinking as they swung against each other beneath the bandanna covering his hair. Ryou smiled as he placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of his yami and sat down with one himself, adjusting his wings; light and dark; against the back of the chair.

"Bakura?"

Bakura grunted back, burying his nose in the steam from his mug.

"What were you dreaming about when Yami showed up that night?"

Bakura frowned and Ryou, who was observing the other carefully, swore a faint blush had colored his cheeks as well.

"I don't recall butting in on _your_ dreams, hikari."

Ryou smiled. "All out of swear words for the night?"

Bakura sighed. "I could go upstairs and find some more in my carpet."

Ryou giggled. "I kinda liked the expression on Yami's face once his costume was put out. It was kinda purple."

Bakura snickered. "Yea, it's what he gets for smelling up my room like that."

Ryou let that hang in the air as he finished his hot cocoa. He'd overheard Marik at the party, talking about getting in on Bakura's "game". Things were about to get interesting. He hoped Marik wouldn't go after Yami, it would seem like they were ganging up on him. If things got too bad, he might have to switch sides for a while. But that was ok. That's just how things went.

Ryou stood, straightening his dress, and gathered the cups to fill with water in the sink.

Bakura started pulling the beads from his hair. Halloween wasn't so bad, probably his favorite of Ryou's holidays. Maybe next year he would go as a dark king. He could summon Duel Monsters as his servants. Bakura grinned evilly, plotting his setup for next year.

Ryou sighed again. Whatever Bakura was planning he hoped it wouldn't interfere with Christmas. Christmas was Ryou's favorite holiday and if he had to tie Bakura to the tree and decorate it around him, he would have a merry Christmas.

Bakura noticed Ryou's determined expression and wondered just what his hikari was planning. Normally that look on Ryou's face meant bad news for him.

"Is it cold in here?" Bakura asked, distracted suddenly by a chill.

Ryou looked out the kitchen window. "It's snowing."

Bakura growled and rose from his seat. "I'm going to bed."

Ryou smiled at his retreating form and turned back to the snow, welcoming it. They'd made it through another Halloween. Ryou was glad. There were seldom dull days living with Bakura and Ryou was thankful for it – even if they did have to get the fire extinguisher out every now and then.

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Post Comments: Ra, that was _long_! I never meant for it to be that long. And it's late, yes, incredibly late. Oh, well. If you enjoyed it, please review. And don't forget to look up my other stories! And B.C. stands for Bakura Corp., if anyone missed that. Bakura's got high aspirations. Not that he would ever really care to run a company but ... it's the conquest that counts. ...Did I remember everything? If you have any questions, just ask. No flames. Ja!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi

Author's Comments: MY GOSH! This is chapter 7! I think at one point I thought these were going to be blips! Silly me. I would like to thank Arcer, Ryou VeRua, and all the other people who left amazing reviews and keep leaving them every time. I look forward to the reviews as much as you do the chapters, so thank you!

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On Magical Legendary Snow Wars and the Meaning of Holiday Cheer

'Christmas comes but once a year. Once. A. Year. Once a year. _Once_ a year…' Those were the words droning on in Bakura's head as he listened to the endless songs about a happy fat guy and the constant little ringing bells in front of the shops, and the weather reports that promised more cold and more snow!

An "open fire", for future reference, did _not_ mean in the middle of the floor and "snowmen" looked nothing like men.

Bakura was sick of the holidays. Unfortunately for the ex-tomb robber, Ryou did not share his opinion. No, Ryou was just getting started. Ryou, the little snow bunny, had insisted that they celebrate Christmas with "their" friends early so that when his dear, stupid, never-present father arrived on Christmas Eve, Bakura could be stuffed into the Ring for a week and conveniently forgotten. Wouldn't want to disrupt daddy dearest's perfect little world after all. Bakura was so mad … he could have just spit. And to make matters worse, Ryou absolutely refused to address this dire situation. No, Ryou was perfectly happy ignoring the problem and just to spite Bakura further, he was singing that 'open fire' song while he pulled cookies from the oven that Bakura was not allowed to touch. Bakura knew how to use the oven – any idiot could use the oven. Was it his fault that the basic laws of physics did not apply to it? That when you turned the heat up, food did _not_ in fact cook faster but instead caught on fire? No. It wasn't his fault that songs speaking of open fires were actually lying to the masses either.

Bakura snorted and Ryou turned around, smiling merrily down at him as he dropped one of the fresh cookies on the table in front of his nose. Bakura stared down at the cookie miserably until he finally gave up and ate it.

Ryou's chocolate chip cookies were always extremely perfect. Ryou brushed it off, saying that he just followed the recipe but Bakura knew better – perfection didn't come from recipes. And it wasn't just the cookies either. Ryou had made a snowman in the front yard – and that was perfect too. It was the best snowman on the entire street and it had only taken him a half an hour to make.

As Bakura munched on the chocolate chip Christmas cookie, he got an idea. A slow, evil grin spread across his face. "Ryou," he said, stuffing the rest of the cookie in his mouth and standing "I'm going outside."

Ryou spun around, eyes wide in shock. _"What!"_ This really was an unheard-of event. Sure, Bakura went out in the snow … when Ryou dragged him out, but to volunteer…?

Bakura shoved his feet into his boots and threw on Ryou's coat, which was hanging over a chair, and before Ryou could say anything further, he was slamming the front door behind him.

Ryou moved to the kitchen window curiously, watching as Bakura tromped into the snow and started digging around and packing a snowball with an obvious grin.

Ryou sighed, turning back to his baking. Bakura was plotting again.

Seven hours later, after having been shooed back into the house three times, and unable to watch out the front window as Bakura had covered it with snow, Ryou was beginning to get worried.

Granted, it was still a pretty warm day (as cold snowy days go) but it was still December and insanity could only keep one warm in the snow for so long.

Just as Ryou was heading toward the door, ready to demand that Bakura come back inside, said door was thrown open, revealing a snow covered and grinning Bakura.

Ryou gasped. Bakura's face was red from the wind, the tips of his hair stiff from the damp snow refreezing there, and his eyes were sparkling with mischief.

"God, Bakura," Ryou stated in an exasperated tone as he felt of the other's cheeks – they were warm and fevered "you're just lucky this stupidity can't kill you."

Bakura's grin only widened as he took Ryou's hands from his face, ignoring the insult. "They're ready." Bakura whispered excitedly.

Ryou blinked back at his other innocently and Bakura rushed around to gather Ryou's outdoor things. Ryou ended up wearing Bakura's navy coat as Bakura had soaked his own and was still wearing it.

Bakura dragged Ryou outside and Ryou gasped at the sight that met his eyes. The entire front yard was filled with snowmen! _Snowmen everywhere!_ There were even three snowmen on the roof! Well, two and a half. The last one – the one next to the snow-less slick where Bakura had obviously fallen off the roof – didn't have a head. In between the snowmen on the ground, Ryou could see the green and brown grass that Bakura had uncovered. A few barren bushes nearby were suspiciously thin. Ryou looked to Bakura with his mouth hanging open.

"What do you think?" Bakura asked, sneaking up behind Ryou, talking softly in his ear as he encircled his light's shoulders with one arm, preventing escape. "It's our army."

Ryou could feel his dark's seductive grin. "Army? … What do you mean _our_ army?" he asked, trying to turn his head to see Bakura.

"They'll call it _'The Great Bakura/Motou War'_. We'll march them on the pharaoh's store. We'll bury it in snowballs! You can be my general." he added in a sweet voice. (Ahh, an offer of power – such a sweet talker.) "Little Ryou likes power, doesn't he?" Bakura asked, petting the teen's hair fondly.

A slow smile spread itself across Ryou's face. "Let's go."

Ryou grabbed Bakura's hand and dragged him back inside. Setting his mittens next to the phone, Ryou dialed Yugi's number and waited for him to pick up. "Hi, Yugi. It's Ryou. Wanna have a snowball fight?"

Two minutes later, Ryou and Bakura were out the door and preparing their army. Ryou had mentioned nothing of snowmen to the Pharaoh's confused other. Bakura grinned insanely to himself.

I suppose that the sight of an army of marching snowmen making it's way across town in the dimming evening might have concerned a good deal of innocent bystanders but, strangely enough, no one came to stop them.

Meanwhile, at the Motou house:

"Why would Ryou call you for a snowball fight at this hour?" Yami asked suspiciously.

Yugi shrugged his shoulders, packing another snowball to add with the four at his feet. "Maybe he was bored. We weren't doing anything."

"I'd wager Bakura has something to do with this." Yami returned, eyes narrowing at the thought.

"Bakura hates the snow." Yugi argued. "Why would he want to have a snowball fight?"

"Bakura would trek across the North Pole if he thought he could steal Santa's sleigh." Yami argued back with a frown.

Yugi rolled his eyes at the pharaoh. "You're being paranoid."

Yami turned, gazing off into the distance. "You're far too trusting, aibou. Someday I'm afraid you'll find that Ryou is not so innocent as you may" _SMACK!_

Yugi stared wide-eyed as the remnants of a snowball slid down the side of his dark's face. Just as Yugi turned to investigate the source of the ambush, a second snowball splattered across his own nose. Yugi blinked through the snow in shock.

Down the sidewalk stood Ryou. Bakura stood to the side and behind him wearing a lavender winter coat that was very out of place against his wide, psychotic grin. And behind the two of them stood a small army of snowmen! In each one of their stick hands was a snowball and they all looked ready to throw. Yugi stared in shock.

"Attention!" Ryou shouted in the stillness. "I, Bakura Ryou," and he pronounced his name with the tone of one who was damn proud of it "have come to make war against the house of Motou! Your home shall fall before the onslaught of my invincible troop of magical snowmen! What say you to that, Yugi of Motou?" he asked, pointing at the other light.

Bakura squealed happily, glomping the dark-clad general like an overly excited child. _"I love you so much!"_ he squealed.

Yugi sweatdropped but Ryou retained his stern, fake glare.

During the exchange Yami seemed to have regained some of his dignity and he turned angrily and pointed a shaking finger at the Bakuras. "How dare you trick my aibou like this, Bakura! And how dare you use that boy so unashamedly in my presence!"

Yami might have said more, had Ryou not chosen then to pelt him with another snowball to the face. Yami blinked in shock.

"Snowball fight!" Ryou cried and Bakura wasted no time throwing the next one at Yugi who retaliated in Ryou's direction followed by the snowmen, driving the pharaoh and his light back until both were packing and throwing snowballs blindly like crazed children.

"Bakura, you cheat!" Yami cried. "What have you done to those snowmen?"

"They're infused with shadow creatures!" Bakura shouted back and Yami gasped, giving Bakura the perfect break to hit him with a snowball and laugh while he spit out snow.

Yami narrowed his eyes and ran to hide behind Yugi while he searched for what he needed. A moment later, Yami stood, holding a card to the air and shouted "I summon Weather Control!"

Now it was Bakura's turn to gasp as a duel monster in the form of a snowman appeared holding up an umbrella. And suddenly snowballs were falling from the sky!

Bakura screamed as he covered his head and hid behind his snowmen, urging them to take down the enemy. Ryou too was forced to take cover, ordering his troops to fall back slightly.

Encouraged by this turn of events, Yugi held his own card in the air and called out: "I summon Dark Magician!"

Bakura choked.

The Dark Magician appeared and Yugi ordered him to attack Ryou's snowmen.

The Dark Magician looked back at Yugi and sweatdropped.

Of course, that was when Ryou chose to hit him with a snowball and Dark Magician turned back in shock and grinned as he chose to follow his master's orders.

One blast did in three of Ryou's snowmen and Ryou squeaked.

The white-haired teen recovered quickly though, and pulled out his own monster. "I cast End of the World and summon Goddess of Extermination – Ruin!"

Ryou sacrificed two of his snowmen for the ritual. The goddess with flowing silver hair appeared holding a gold and crimson double bladed pike. A dark shadow took form behind her holding her to it possessively and she smirked at her enemies.

Yami's eyes widened and Ryou pulled another card. "I activate Black Pendant."

"Cripes!" Yugi cried, diving for cover. Yami joined him. Bakura meanwhile was staring at his light in shock.

"Goddess," Ryou cried "attack the Dark Magician!" she did, and the Dark Magician disappeared into the shadows.

"Weather Control," Yami screamed "heat wave!"

When all had settled, four people were standing in the Motou's front yard in ankle-deep water, staring at each other in silence.

"That was amazing." Sugoroku said, patting his camcorder from his place at his grandson's bedroom window.

"Did we just win a duel?" Bakura asked, looking at Ryou in shock.

"Now just hold on!" Yami said, finally getting a hold of himself. "That wasn't a duel. There were no life points involved and even if there were, you called it a snow fight anyway."

"My hikari beat the Pharaoh." Bakura said, ignoring the other entirely.

"Well, I…" Ryou started, not wanting this to get out of hand.

"Ryou, you duel really well." Yugi complemented him and Ryou blushed.

"Why don't you boys come inside and have some hot chocolate." Sugoroku called down and Bakura and Ryou looked up at him.

"Thanks anyway," Bakura said and scooped Ryou off the ground "but we should be going."

Yami mouthed the thank you, trying to fit the words with Bakura saying them…it wasn't quite making sense.

"Thank you for the snowball fight Pharaoh, Pharaoh's hikari." and he nodded to them. "I'm sure we'll remember this experience for quite some time."

Ryou struggled in Bakura's arms, embarrassed by the attention. "Yami, I can walk." he said but Bakura ignored him, turning and walking back the way they'd came.

"Yami…" Ryou complained.

"I am so proud of you." Bakura whispered and Ryou fell silent. It was the first time Bakura had said such a thing, the first time he had ever confessed to being proud of him and Ryou wanted to keep that in his heart. It was a priceless treasure.

When they returned home, Bakura made hot chocolate for Ryou. He remembered every microwave instruction perfectly and he even sat with him on the couch in the dark while he drank the warm liquid. Ryou didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything and the silence was comfortable. It was a strange, comforting feeling for Ryou. When Ryou fell asleep on the couch, slouching into Bakura's side, the dark spirit carried him to his room and lay him in bed and covered him with extra blankets. And then Bakura sat in Ryou's windowsill and stared at the moon until dawn, lost in his own thoughts.

Christmas for Ryou and Bakura rolled around three days before December 25th. All of Ryou's friends stopped by. Even Malik came to give Ryou a present, which Ryou thought was especially sweet seeing as Malik did not celebrate Christmas.

Ryou thought the jewelry box that Malik had given him for nick-knacks or maybe jewels that somehow happened to find their way into the Bakura household was sweet, he was less impressed with the necklace Marik had placed inside it made especially for him of various unidentifiable bones and what he swore up and down were bear's teeth, however.

Bakura was not less-than impressed with the "hideous monstrosity" as he called it. He was downright pissed. Of course that may have been due to the fact that Marik had claimed it could replace the "gaudy bling" Ryou was currently wearing. Bakura did not know what "bling" was, but he attacked and strangled Marik on the living room floor for the comment anyway.

In addition to the scarf that Yugi had gotten for him, was a blue and black one for Bakura, which was the point when Bakura stalked upstairs never to be seen again. It should be noted that he took the scarf with him.

Bakura did not get anything for any of Ryou's friends but Ryou had gotten them gifts and he would have said they were from Bakura too, if he had not been threatened over the matter.

Late in the evening, after everyone had said their goodbyes and Ryou had cleaned the house, he took the last unopened package upstairs to Bakura's bedroom, hoping he was still there and had not snuck off somewhere to do mischief.

Bakura was there. He grunted at Ryou's soft knock: Bakura-speak for "come in" whenever he was in a mood – or pretending to be in one.

Ryou went inside, closing the door softly behind him.

"Yami." Ryou said, filling the silence in the room. "Thank you."

"For what?" Bakura asked harshly.

"For coming to my party."

"_You threatened to throw the Ring into a river if I didn't!"_ Bakura shouted back, annoyed at the memory of that unpleasant interaction.

"I know." Ryou spoke softly. "But thank you anyway. … I…got you something. A gift for Christmas. I know you don't believe in celebrating anything but you could just look at it as a gift from me. It doesn't have to represent anything."

Ryou held out the small box and Bakura eyed it for a moment before reaching out to take it from him.

Bakura sat it next to him on the bed and reached over the side, laying on his stomach to rummage around underneath his bed.

"Here." he said, tossing a poorly wrapped square package at Ryou.

"Oh, yea." he added, standing and holding the Ring up to the box in Ryou's arms. The Sennin Ring glowed for a moment and Ryou stared confusedly at Bakura. Suddenly the package jerked in his arms and Ryou started, holding it away from him slightly.

"Open it." Bakura urged and Ryou set the box on the floor, slowly tearing away the wrapping.

Ryou removed the lid of the plain brown box and a yellow helmet bobbed up, followed by a white kitty, mewling up at him. Ryou's heart melted. "Awww!" he squealed, scooping the kitty into his arms and cuddling it happily. "It's a Rescue Cat!"

"Yea, it was cute so I thought you might like it." Bakura said, trying to sound unmoved.

"Thank you Bakura!" Ryou squealed, hugging Bakura, squishing the kitty slightly between them.

"Yea, sure." Bakura dismissed, shoving him away and falling back onto the bed.

Bakura's cold exterior did nothing to quell Ryou's happiness and he plopped down on the floor with his new kitty waiting anxiously for Bakura to open his own present.

"Now open yours." he said, excitedly.

Bakura turned to the small box Ryou had given him and picked it up thoughtfully. Ryou must have hidden it at the Pharaoh's house, because Bakura had no idea what it was and Bakura knew the identity of every item in this house.

Slowly, he peeled back the wrapping paper, neatly folded and perfectly taped down, unlike his own shoddy job. A shinny wooden box was revealed; polished cherry wood or maroon wood or whatever it was called, reflecting the light in the room in shifting swirls of red and brown.

Ryou bit his lip as Bakura opened the wooden case. Inside was a shinny silver dagger. Bakura stared at it with an expression somewhere between awe and shock before he finally lifted it from its case. The dagger was displayed next to its sheath and Bakura held it up to the light watching as the glint reflected off of the blade. Engraved in black on the shimmering blade were words in an ancient language.

"I had it engraved myself." Ryou said quietly and Bakura studied the engraving, running his fingers over the symbols. "I had to ask Malik how to say it and spell it. I hope it says what it's supposed to."

"Great Lord of Thieves." Bakura read, his voice catching slightly.

"I know I complain about all the weaponry in the house but I know you like them and I wanted to get you something you'd like."

Bakura bowed his head, unruly white hair covering his eyes as he clutched the dagger close.

"Is it ok?" Ryou asked, leaning forward.

Bakura looked up and Ryou was taken aback by the tears in his eyes. His expression remained firm and the tears never fell as he spoke.

"I will only use this dagger to protect you."

Ryou stared back into his dark's eyes and right then and there he decided that he was lucky. He was no longer jealous of Yugi. Ryou knew then that he had been blessed.

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Post Comments: It's getting kinda fluffy as Bakura settles in. It sounds kinda weird but it wrote itself that way so... I like it, anyway. I can picture a Bakura who's just as protective and attached to his hikari as Yami but it's harder for him to show it and of course ... Bakura has that evil tinge to him when he's crossed. He's not a fluffy cuddley person but he has his moments and to Ryou, that makes them more precious.


End file.
